I love that God created us in his image. I find it facinating that we are all created with so many differences, too: tall, short, blue eyes, brown eyes, curly hair, straight hair. However, there is one aspect of our creation that I am not sure we fully appreciate in its many forms, our emotional being.
I so envy and appreciate my gentle friends who plow through situations and life. They feel the situation, quickly deal with their emotions and are on to the next thing before I can fully grasp anything that has happened. They are steady rocks in crisis and are the staffs that gently move us down the road of healing when we have lingered in an emotional crisis too long.
For many years, I functioned in this capacity. Things happened, good or bad, I dealt with it, and I moved on. Coping that way helped me to get through some really hard times....loss of our babies, betrayals, rejection. This doesn't work so well for me any more.
I want to feel. I want to linger in the bedroom with my daughter as I wake her up for school, chatting in the early morning hours as the sun rises. I want to feel the joy and savor the time I am spending with my parents. I want to enjoy every ounce of heat in my lovers hand as he touches my face and pulls me to him for an embrace.
However, to fully experience the highs, I am learning to walk through the lows. I have for so long dealt with the emergent and then stuffed the emotion in a box and put it on a shelf in my emotional self. That shelf is pretty full now.
Today I went to orientation for my youngest two children. No big deal, you might think, but it was a big deal to me, and I have learned that it is OK that it was a big deal. I am sad.
I am sad that we really didn't have a choice. I am sad that my body has betrayed me so that the doctor insisted the children go to school. I am sad that I am not in charge of my younger children's education any longer. I am heart-broken that this choice was made FOR me and not my decision.
I went to the gym this afternoon and decided that it is OK that I am sad.....for today. Tomorrow morning is the first day of our full routine. Everyone is in school, I go to work, and homework will flow.
It is OK to have ups and downs and to REALLY feel them. It makes me feel more alive, more a part of the lives going on around me.
I'll miss homeschooling and the homeschool lifestyle we so enjoyed. I am s-l-o-w-l-y coming to terms of where my health issues lie and that I am not in control of that situation at all. It is all going to be OK, and I am going to be OK....but don't roll your eyes at me because I am sad today. It's OK. I'm OK.....really.
~Beth
